Depression

[swaggonborn]

I might as well share my 2 cents. 

 

In short... Just try and get outdoors!

 

In long... When i was 16 or so I went through some really rough times with family losses and other shitty life events. I had my motorcycle licence from a young age(New Zealand ftw) and so many times was i ready to flick myself head on into a truck and end it all. The only thing that got me through was hiking and cycling. I started off with small day rides around my local hills and now im out most weekends in the mountains.  Its all about being able to plan a trip and achieve something i think, try and get out a map and find a route you can achieve, i know it sounds silly but it honestly feels good when you set out and do exactly what you planned to do. Not only will you maybe get to experience some new scenery but you will also get some good exercise which personally always helps with my state of mind. 

 

Anyway im rambling now, i hope some of you feel better soon

 

(embarrasing that the only photo of me somewhere interesting was taken by my dad lol)

[shirow]

I don't plan to give up, today I feel better, I've got some new friend who make me feel better. I am with them even if I'm not completely into their group. I almost have "my own place".

The fact is when I live day in day out I try to not think about past or future. How bad I feel about this, what I did bad, what I should have done, what I missed.

 

We(me and my familly) had also some problems with my mother( she had some psychatric problem about ghosts who wanted to kill my family but most of the time my brother who is not at home, that was a hard for us and her). Sometimes she could try to phone to my brother every 10 minutes etc... a lot of problems at home too. Well I won't extend everything she had a medical help which was for her hard to take. Because she had in mind that psychiatrist was for crazy people and didn't wanted to have help and did a nervous breakdown one day and was forced to go to hospital. (she had not a really good childhood actually)....

 

Anyway I don't understand myself actually, in the past I had almost no relationship, I was a good student who liked school and most of kids was mocking me, some of them wanted to beat me. Now this is less hard for me to talk to others, but today I'm tend to dislike school and don't even consider myself to be good/smart... Funny things how this is going.

 

But sometimes everything comes back to my mind like yesterday, I had no energy, I wanted to do nothing, it was too hard to go to school... It happens most of the time at the end the week end... when most of the time all the "bad thoughts" come back when you're think about you have to do another week like this.

 

So I try to enjoy my little time where I am happy, to help myself, the fact is I'm not sure my parents aren't really conscient that I this weak emotionally.

[Molevalence]

Well, I tried to go find some sort of help for my condition and long story short, I walked out. Not because I was ashamed but because I was so angry at the staff. I walked into my local hospital and wanted to speak with a mental doctor about depression.

 

I sat down and waited for some time. I read those pamphlets they have on display and noticed after a few moments that the people in the waiting room were watching me. I looked around and simply said "What?" and got no answer. I looked at my pamphlet and it was about suicide. I felt like I should of been embarrassed but honestly I did not feel anything or cared about what anyone else thought. After a while I began to get irritated with everyone constantly throwing glances at me where it came to a point where I was about to tell everyone to stop looking at me. (I hate being the center of attention and their glances only made it worse.) Eventually I was able to see someone.

 

I sat down and he looked up my medical records asking general questions about my lifestyle, hobbies, and whatnot. I was still irritated by the people in the waiting room and also anxious since I waited almost 2 hours to see him. I just wanted information on maybe a psychiatrist or counselor; something or information to point me in a direction and go. This one was just telling me things I already knew and as he was saying these things he was speaking to me like I was 5 or 6 years old. After some time I told him that I am not a child and to speak to me like an adult. I may have serious depression that does not mean I have a mental handicap. He looked at me quite odd then typed some things into his computer. After that I just got up not saying a word and walked out. I did not look at anyone and did not say anything. I hate my hospital so much.

 

I have not said a word to anyone since the hospital. I don't want to speak anymore. I don't want to talk anymore. After that trying to explain myself feels like a big waste of time. I also caught something going around and it's been 8 days and still showing no sign of going away. Now I want this fever to go away or finish me off. I have never been this angry before. Especially to the point where I do not want to say anything. My brother asks me all the time to say something where I just look at him with a blank emotionless face and walk away. A ambulance showed up a couple days later asking me to go with them and I shook my head. They didn't budge and asked me again to go where I stood there now angry with my fists clenched. Then they had the nerve to try and grab my shoulder and this is where my anger hit its peak. As they reached over to grab me I punched out my door window in front of them and then braced myself for violence. They stopped long enough for me to give them a angry glare for a few seconds where I turned around and went down stairs into my home and closed my door. Shortly after they left and my brother came down angry yelling at me. I shrugged him off and went to bed.

 

It's now day 9 since I have said a word. I barely leave my room and I have been filled with rage since the hospital. You would think that the anger would subside after a day or two but I am just as enraged now as I was then. I would not know if typing this would be talking or speaking but in a way it's a way to vent other than breaking things. The past week I don't want to be a part of anything or with anyone. I have this sense of "Now or never" atmosphere as I am typing this. I want to sleep but my sickness is keeping me awake. With all this anger I feel like I am fighting a emotional war with myself all the time. My thoughts are all over the place. Reminiscing of past things, part of me mocking them while another part tries to praise them.

 

As I finish I also had a quick thought, is this insanity? Why do I feel this way? Can anyone shed some light for me? 

[Dovakeks]

Hey Molevalence.

 

I actually have no experience in life what so ever, so I may not be able to help you at all. I also can't really describe anything good with words, so I'm sorry for that.

 

I had/have something like you I think. If I'm not depressed, I'm angry and just full of hate. I actually don't know why, but it can sometimes can be like that for days. I wake up angry, I go to sleep angry. I don't know.

Well anyway, I bought myself a little punching bag and I used to hit it every once in awhile. It helped a bit.

1-2 years ago, I had that too. I didn't care anymore if I just went out there and died. I didn't want to anything with friends or school.

It somehow faded away after certain events then. I became less angry and more depressed. Don't know what is better of those two.

I don't know if you want to give it more time to see if it gets better.

I usually would use my hate then to exercise. It probably sounds dumb, but it helped me. I could even do more exercises then usual with it.  

 

Insane ? No. I had that thought too. I called it a little fucked up maybe.

 

I can't tell you why you feel this way. I'm no doctor or anything. I just thought that it is a side effect of depression. Anger, Hate, Rage. 

I would normally like I said before do exercises then. Or I found something that would make me laugh. Stupid videos, cat videos, something like that.

You somehow just need to get that Rage energy out of you. 

 

This probably doesn't help you at all what I'm saying. I'm sorry for that. I wish I knew more about this, so I could help you better.

 

 

[shirow]

Well, I tried to go find some sort of help for my condition and long story short, I walked out. Not because I was ashamed but because I was so angry at the staff. I walked into my local hospital and wanted to speak with a mental doctor about depression.

 

I sat down and waited for some time. I read those pamphlets they have on display and noticed after a few moments that the people in the waiting room were watching me. I looked around and simply said "What?" and got no answer. I looked at my pamphlet and it was about suicide. I felt like I should of been embarrassed but honestly I did not feel anything or cared about what anyone else thought. After a while I began to get irritated with everyone constantly throwing glances at me where it came to a point where I was about to tell everyone to stop looking at me. (I hate being the center of attention and their glances only made it worse.) Eventually I was able to see someone.

 

I sat down and he looked up my medical records asking general questions about my lifestyle, hobbies, and whatnot. I was still irritated by the people in the waiting room and also anxious since I waited almost 2 hours to see him. I just wanted information on maybe a psychiatrist or counselor; something or information to point me in a direction and go. This one was just telling me things I already knew and as he was saying these things he was speaking to me like I was 5 or 6 years old. After some time I told him that I am not a child and to speak to me like an adult. I may have serious depression that does not mean I have a mental handicap. He looked at me quite odd then typed some things into his computer. After that I just got up not saying a word and walked out. I did not look at anyone and did not say anything. I hate my hospital so much.

 

I have not said a word to anyone since the hospital. I don't want to speak anymore. I don't want to talk anymore. After that trying to explain myself feels like a big waste of time. I also caught something going around and it's been 8 days and still showing no sign of going away. Now I want this fever to go away or finish me off. I have never been this angry before. Especially to the point where I do not want to say anything. My brother asks me all the time to say something where I just look at him with a blank emotionless face and walk away. A ambulance showed up a couple days later asking me to go with them and I shook my head. They didn't budge and asked me again to go where I stood there now angry with my fists clenched. Then they had the nerve to try and grab my shoulder and this is where my anger hit its peak. As they reached over to grab me I punched out my door window in front of them and then braced myself for violence. They stopped long enough for me to give them a angry glare for a few seconds where I turned around and went down stairs into my home and closed my door. Shortly after they left and my brother came down angry yelling at me. I shrugged him off and went to bed.

 

It's now day 9 since I have said a word. I barely leave my room and I have been filled with rage since the hospital. You would think that the anger would subside after a day or two but I am just as enraged now as I was then. I would not know if typing this would be talking or speaking but in a way it's a way to vent other than breaking things. The past week I don't want to be a part of anything or with anyone. I have this sense of "Now or never" atmosphere as I am typing this. I want to sleep but my sickness is keeping me awake. With all this anger I feel like I am fighting a emotional war with myself all the time. My thoughts are all over the place. Reminiscing of past things, part of me mocking them while another part tries to praise them.

 

As I finish I also had a quick thought, is this insanity? Why do I feel this way? Can anyone shed some light for me? 

 

I've read what you wrote (not sure if I did understand everything, but I think I did...).

 

I am not be the best guy about advices or anything.

But for me you were unlucky with this mental doctor who don't seem to be a good for me.

I do think you may need to see someone else ( hope you find someone if you try again) or someone close enough that you trust to confide yourself/getting help.

 

For me I don't think this is insanity, for me it would be that cannot think straight anymore. (anger is something else, an emotional moment).

Actually I would may feel the same in your situation for the hospital moment.

I can't bring you light about this, I'm not myself a good exemple, but still I think finding someone that you can confide yourself without him judging you for at least to make you feel better and may be that you'll find someone to give you advices.

 

I'm still young, I don't really have experience but I hope you'll overcome this.

[sroro]

Been exercising so far 30min every day for a little over a week. I do actually feel a little better, not remarkably better but a little less like a big crybaby (some events recently should have made me BAWL but instead I didn't. Good). Maybe our bodies think we're running away from whatever's threatening us.

[GrayRune]

Well, I tried to go find some sort of help for my condition and long story short, I walked out. Not because I was ashamed but because I was so angry at the staff. I walked into my local hospital and wanted to speak with a mental doctor about depression.

 

I sat down and waited for some time. I read those pamphlets they have on display and noticed after a few moments that the people in the waiting room were watching me. I looked around and simply said "What?" and got no answer. I looked at my pamphlet and it was about suicide. I felt like I should of been embarrassed but honestly I did not feel anything or cared about what anyone else thought. After a while I began to get irritated with everyone constantly throwing glances at me where it came to a point where I was about to tell everyone to stop looking at me. (I hate being the center of attention and their glances only made it worse.) Eventually I was able to see someone.

 

I sat down and he looked up my medical records asking general questions about my lifestyle, hobbies, and whatnot. I was still irritated by the people in the waiting room and also anxious since I waited almost 2 hours to see him. I just wanted information on maybe a psychiatrist or counselor; something or information to point me in a direction and go. This one was just telling me things I already knew and as he was saying these things he was speaking to me like I was 5 or 6 years old. After some time I told him that I am not a child and to speak to me like an adult. I may have serious depression that does not mean I have a mental handicap. He looked at me quite odd then typed some things into his computer. After that I just got up not saying a word and walked out. I did not look at anyone and did not say anything. I hate my hospital so much.

 

I have not said a word to anyone since the hospital. I don't want to speak anymore. I don't want to talk anymore. After that trying to explain myself feels like a big waste of time. I also caught something going around and it's been 8 days and still showing no sign of going away. Now I want this fever to go away or finish me off. I have never been this angry before. Especially to the point where I do not want to say anything. My brother asks me all the time to say something where I just look at him with a blank emotionless face and walk away. A ambulance showed up a couple days later asking me to go with them and I shook my head. They didn't budge and asked me again to go where I stood there now angry with my fists clenched. Then they had the nerve to try and grab my shoulder and this is where my anger hit its peak. As they reached over to grab me I punched out my door window in front of them and then braced myself for violence. They stopped long enough for me to give them a angry glare for a few seconds where I turned around and went down stairs into my home and closed my door. Shortly after they left and my brother came down angry yelling at me. I shrugged him off and went to bed.

 

It's now day 9 since I have said a word. I barely leave my room and I have been filled with rage since the hospital. You would think that the anger would subside after a day or two but I am just as enraged now as I was then. I would not know if typing this would be talking or speaking but in a way it's a way to vent other than breaking things. The past week I don't want to be a part of anything or with anyone. I have this sense of "Now or never" atmosphere as I am typing this. I want to sleep but my sickness is keeping me awake. With all this anger I feel like I am fighting a emotional war with myself all the time. My thoughts are all over the place. Reminiscing of past things, part of me mocking them while another part tries to praise them.

 

As I finish I also had a quick thought, is this insanity? Why do I feel this way? Can anyone shed some light for me? 

 

Malevolence, out of curiosity, what country do you live in? I'm in the UK, and when I went to the GP, they ended up giving me the local NHS Trust's number for depression, and those people were the one's that talked to be about my problems and getting me into a program with a dedicated "advisor" (I think that's the right term for CBT staff?). The GP themselves didn't really do anything. So if you're in the UK, you could probably just Google the number for the trust's department and deal with them directly, all via phone. They were very nice and understanding, and very patient when one of their questions suddenly made me breakdown. Look for "Primary Care Services" or "IAPT" under Adult Mental Health. That's what the department is called at my trust. Obviously, though, this applies mostly to the UK, so I'm not sure what's available for other places.

[Ailsa]

Please keep trying Malevolence - somewhere there is the right person to help you, to assess what is causing the anger (apart from frustration at the current experience).  Like GrayRune I am in the UK and I don't know what is available where you live.  Thinking of you today and every day.

[DirtySlut]

Starting to realize that I've been pretty depressed since my ex and I broke up about a month ago.  I've been trying to push everything I can think of over the pain, but it's still there.  Whenever I am not thinking of something distracting, it really hits me.

 

I know it must sound trite, but it hurts.

[Majuko]

Starting to realize that I've been pretty depressed since my ex and I broke up about a month ago.  I've been trying to push everything I can think of over the pain, but it's still there.  Whenever I am not thinking of something distracting, it really hits me.

 

I know it must sound trite, but it hurts.

Sadly I do understand this pain quite clearly, I was with my ex for about a year and found out she was cheating on me. I would've forgave her being the dummy I am but she actually broke up with me. She was the best and worse thing that has ever happen to me. I could talk to her about all my crazy philosophies about the world and the way its set up and she would actually listen and comment and ease my aching mind. After a while I guess she just wanted a normal guy who didn't think about all the things I did and try to think on things from a deeper level. I think thats the thing that hurted me the most, he was older, but alot more stupider, regular job, regular life. I never understood why she left me to this day I think maybe I was just to complicated.....I feel your pain. It took me alot of time to get over her ALOT and during that time I did sink into a profound sadness with an endless abyss.

[easykill]

*offers hug*

 

yeah me too

[shirow]

 

DirtySlut, on 05 Oct 2014 - 6:53 PM, said:

Starting to realize that I've been pretty depressed since my ex and I broke up about a month ago.  I've been trying to push everything I can think of over the pain, but it's still there.  Whenever I am not thinking of something distracting, it really hits me.

 

I know it must sound trite, but it hurts.

Sadly I do understand this pain quite clearly, I was with my ex for about a year and found out she was cheating on me. I would've forgave her being the dummy I am but she actually broke up with me. She was the best and worse thing that has ever happen to me. I could talk to her about all my crazy philosophies about the world and the way its set up and she would actually listen and comment and ease my aching mind. After a while I guess she just wanted a normal guy who didn't think about all the things I did and try to think on things from a deeper level. I think thats the thing that hurted me the most, he was older, but alot more stupider, regular job, regular life. I never understood why she left me to this day I think maybe I was just to complicated.....I feel your pain. It took me alot of time to get over her ALOT and during that time I did sink into a profound sadness with an endless abyss.

 

 

Well I do not have the same feeling, my loneliness and my confessions to girls did always fail, I do suffer from this actually. So I may be unnactractive, uninteresting (this is may not be true for everyone but that the way I feel about myself).

 

A little off topic, but actually being with someone that is normal is borring. I can't tell why she did this and why.

For me being like every one else means that you can be easily replaced. I guess I should put myself in question about love and find someone special, not a common girl... Well I didn't even find someone "normal" ( Maybe because I am not myself ... )

 

[Majuko]

I have sense gotten over it, But it takes awhile. I was depressed once before in my life to the extent of suicide but that was a long time ago and a private matter.

[Molevalence]

I don't live in the United Kingdom. I live in Canada. It's come to a point now where I don't want help. I am so angry at everything I just want to be alone so I cannot harm anyone. It's been 10 days since I have said a word to anyone verbally. After being angry for so long my physical/mental appearances are starting to take notice. I am always tense, small or unexpected noises cause me to jump up and ready to react violently. My head is throbbing but not painfully mixed with this a sense of focused daze. (If that means anything) I don't look around anymore I only look forward or my eyes to the ground. I went for a walk yesterday and judging by my body language I must of been scaring people (Walked through a large crowd of people and they all moved away from me) I even had a police officer follow (Stalk) me until I went home. Any time someone said something to me I ignored it.

 

I have no intentions of hurting anyone. I am the kind of person who would give the shirt off his back to help a complete stranger. I feel I am losing my sense of self but still conscious enough to hold onto my values (Once again if that makes any sense) I still am aware or everything around me but I feel more tunnel vision towards things. (Ignore everything around me and focus only on what is in front)

 

I am not making plans for things. I just do things and the things I do are very short sighted or no longer require much thought. A part of me wants to go exercise (Brain storming ideas to improve my physical form but lack motivation to do it) and for all the wrong reasons. I am not a violent person. I am very passive and gentle giving my larger size.

 

This is going to sound strange but being a 27 year old adult male I just want to throw away the person I am now and start over. I feel this constant anger and all the events of the last 2 years is molding me into something new. Something aggressive, reckless, and silent. The Dark Side if you may. (Once again cheesy)

[Darkwisdom]

Exercise works well to get all of the hormones flowing, especially since you're male. I've had my share, even lately is sending me down again. I have Dissociative Identity disorder, I can't control it nor ignore it very well. I've was bullied for years in school, and my wife recently just left me. I have depression also, but exercise helps. No it's not very fun, but it does distract you and testosterone and all of the other neurotransmitters that give you a feelgood. It might not help in the long term, but don't just sit there and feel bad, it makes it worse; bipolar follows. 

[Molevalence]

I would exercise Wisdom but my motivation is now non existent. It has been almost 2 weeks since I verbally spoke to someone and I now sleep upwards to 17 hours a day. When I do get up I feel just as tired as I did when I went to bed. I barely eat anymore and I used to game as a form of release but now I don't even want to do that. I may have reached my breaking point. Now I am just trying to figure out how to manage it like I do with most things in my life right now.

 

[Veladarius]

I have suffered from depression for a long time, twice I have been very close to committing suicide and had I not gotten help this last time I doubt I would be here. If you are depressed for a reason (death of a loved one or another emotional loss) that is something that will pass in time, being depressed for no real reason won't. I talked to my family doctor and he had me go see a therapist and start taking anti-depressants, the therapist helped but the meds were a bit rough until I found the right one. Truthfully, don't wait any longer to get some help, if you are talking about it here then you are looking for some assistance.

[Deathbydestiny]

I have had chronic depression and anxiety disorder for the past 12-13 years. Up and down throughout, seen many doctors and been on many meds.

 

I feel it has mentally aged me to the point where I feel like I'm in my 50s (My actual age is half that), even people have told me that I sound like an old person just by the way I speak sometimes. It changes you, but you need to be strong and use it to make you stronger. There is always hope, it may not seem like it at the time, you may feel like death but trust me when I say it can and does get better.

 

I strongly suggest seeking help, hiding under the covers or running away from it wont save you. You need to fight it to your dying breath. And no I do not mean suicide, that's the cowards way out.

 

One thing I will tell you though from experience, and to be clear I am not a doctor and I can not tell you whats best for you. I must warn you that you should stay away from anti-depressants if you can help it. If they work and make things better for you, that's great, but there is a cost to taking them. The things they do to the body and brain are second to cancer drugs.

 

 

[dpunisher3]

Good luck, and I hope you get help Dovakeks. Look for the great things, and positive things in life.

[Dubhorizon]

About the above, it is indeed true that a little work out and eating good quality food are very helpful to keep both depressing thoughts and emotions at bay. You will also feel better about yourself and it will boost your confidence too. I know it sounds very generalized but it really works.

[choppytehbear]

Before reading my post, please know that it was more of a stream of thoughts and what came to my head, so it is a bit all over.

 

I would like to say this, take from it what you will, or simply ignore me. I have battled with depression from a young age too. I am 18 now, and even though I was 'diagnosed' when I was younger, the repeated med changes, the fact that I took Abilify for 3 years (which made me gain 80 pounds), and that knowing i was depressed gave me an even worse feeling, I can say knowing about it can be just as bad as not knowing sometimes. I have no friends, and never even been close to first base (no female will talk to me beside my mother...). I know this is sounding like a sob story, but i just wanted the OP, and to anyone else really, having professional help can be a good thing. However, as a child it was almost a bad thing, as i grew older, they would switch up my meds, (sometimes they would not go with my other meds for ADHD, Allergies, sleep apnea, and god knows what else). Now that i am older, and changing less, I am stabilized (sort of). 7 pills in the morning, 8 at night, wear a CPAP to bed.

 

Now that you are older seeking and consulting a professional is much more advisable and helpful than if you were younger. Again, this is my brain trying to write a serious post, not a therapist or phsycologist saying what to do. I am now going to get a soda. Good night.